Drunken Fruitcake Food

THE BEST FRUITCAKE

Steps:

• Combine the raisins, currants, apricots, figs, prunes, dates, walnuts, pecans, orange zest, lemon zest, candied ginger, pumpkin pie spice and cloves in a large bowl and toss to combine. Add 1 cup of the brandy, orange liqueur and molasses and stir to coat. Cover and set aside to macerate overnight. (Alternatively, cover the bowl and microwave 2 minutes, or until very hot. Leave covered and let sit until almost all the liquid has been absorbed into the fruit and nuts, about 2 hours.)
• Preheat the oven to 275 degrees F. Spray two 9-by-5-inch loaf pans with nonstick cooking spray and line each with 2 pieces of parchment, one lengthwise and one crosswise, leaving a 2-inch overhang on each side. Spray the parchment with cooking spray.
• Sprinkle 1/2 cup flour over the soaked fruit mixture and toss to coat. Whisk together the remaining 1 1/2 cups flour, baking soda, baking powder and salt in a large bowl.
• Cream the butter and brown sugar in the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment on medium-high until light and fluffy, about 1 minute. Add the eggs, one at a time, making sure each is fully incorporated before adding the next and scraping down the sides of the bowl as needed. Beat in the vanilla. Reduce the speed to medium-low and beat in the flour mixture until the batter is blended and smooth. Pour the batter over the fruit mixture and fold with a rubber spatula until all the fruit is coated in batter.
• Divide the mixture evenly between the two prepared pans, filling each about 3/4 full. Bake until the cakes begin to pull away from the sides of the pans, the tops spring back slightly when pressed and a cake tester comes out clean, about 1 1/2 hours. Transfer to a wire rack and brush with the remaining 2 tablespoons brandy. Let the cakes cool in the pans for about 15 minutes. Carefully remove each cake from its pan using the parchment overhang and place on the rack to cool completely.
• To store, wrap each loaf tightly in plastic and then foil. The wrapped fruitcakes can be stored in a cool, dry place for up to 3 months.

DRUNKEN FRUITCAKE

Steps:

• 1. 1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
• 2. 2. Sample the whiskey again to be sure it really is high quality.
• 3. 3. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again, to be absolutely sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of it and drink. Repeat. Turn on the metric elixer, beat one cup and add some butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat the mess again.
• 4. 5. Make sure the whispey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two bowls and add to the egg then chuck in the cup of fried druit. Throw in the flour. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sip some more whiskey before adding to the mood fixer!!
• 5. 7. Add the baking sofa, you sure could do with a lie down now!! Where's the wottle of biskey gone? Stir in the soda if you can find the mixing cup and that wooden spoon thingy.
• 6. 10. Now sample the whiskey again to check for tonsilsisity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something like that. Who cares? Check the whispy. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add another tablepoon of sugar or whatever you can find. Add some of the Whipsy if there's any left.
• 7. 13. Grease the oven, turn the cake tin to 850 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whiksy, whipsisky, cup another try, try again, have another drinky, where's that oven? And go to bed.......or have a snooze, what the heck!!! Yum Yum! Zzzz! Zzzzzzz!!!!

FREE RANGE FRUITCAKE

Steps:

• Combine dried fruits, candied ginger and both zests. Add rum and macerate overnight, or microwave for 5 minutes to re-hydrate fruit.
• Place fruit and liquid in a non-reactive pot with the sugar, butter, apple juice and spices. Bring mixture to a boil stirring often, then reduce heat and simmer for 5 to 10 minutes. Remove from heat and cool for at least 15 minutes. (Batter can be completed up to this point, then covered and refrigerated for up to 2 days. Bring to room temperature before completing cake.)
• Heat oven to 325 degrees.
• Combine dry ingredients and sift into fruit mixture. Quickly bring batter together with a large wooden spoon, then stir in eggs one at a time until completely integrated, then fold in nuts. Spoon into a 10-inch non-stick loaf pan and bake for 1 hour. Check for doneness by inserting toothpick into the middle of the cake. If it comes out clean, it's done. If not, bake another 10 minutes, and check again.
• Remove cake from oven and place on cooling rack or trivet. Baste or spritz top with brandy and allow to cool completely before turning out from pan.
• When cake is completely cooled, seal in a tight sealing, food safe container. Every 2 to 3 days, feel the cake and if dry, spritz with brandy. The cake's flavor will enhance considerably over the next two weeks. If you decide to give the cake as a gift, be sure to tell the recipient that they are very lucky indeed.

FRUITCAKE

Steps:

• Stir together dried fruit, candied ginger, peel, and 1/2 cup liqueur. Let stand at room temperature 3 hours or overnight.
• Cut parchment paper to line the bottom of a 7-by-3-inch or 9-by-2-inch round cake pan. Coat pan with cooking spray; line with parchment. Spray lining. Flour pan; tap out excess.
• Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Whisk together flour, baking powder, spices, and salt in a medium bowl; set aside. Put butter and sugars in the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle; mix on medium speed until smooth. Mix in eggs (1 at a time), molasses, and vanilla. Gradually add flour mixture; mix until smooth. Mix in fruit, nuts, and coconut.
• Pour batter into pan. Bake until a cake tester comes out clean, about 2 1/2 hours for 9-inch cake or 2 3/4 hours for 7-inch cake. If desired, brush with up to 1/2 cup liqueur. Unmold; let cool.